You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
