I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
