I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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