He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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