my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Holy sore nipples Batman
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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