wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
