Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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