omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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