He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
