I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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