meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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