I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
3pm strippers are depressing
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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