she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
