I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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