Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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