Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
