you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize