this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
