The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize