I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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