God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I understand Curling. That high.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's shark week go big or go home
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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