i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
