i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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