my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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