So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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