I wish my penis had an off switch
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
