Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
