if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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