omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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