This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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