I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
