i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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