im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
