OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
