Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
he high fived his dick after we had sex
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
