I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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