I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
