I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize