I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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