I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
