she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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