Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
