Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
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turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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