everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
