thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
