a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
