I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
