So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
