If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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