I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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