Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
