I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
