I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
