I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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