i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
