I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
