I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
