i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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