I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
