Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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