your room smells of hookers.
And success
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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