i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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