A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize