mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
