I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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