I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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